Dear Auntie Whisky,
"How do I learn to orgasm with my partner as easy as I do alone?"
It's the age old question. And, in my extremely humble opinion... you can't. Well, what I mean is, it won't be the same. Another person or people cannot be inside your head, body and nervous system. They cannot hit the right areas, with the right force and rhythm at the exact time you need it as you can on your own.
BUT...sometimes it can be similar, or even better...
There are steps you can try to help reach get it to as close to home as possible. So, after years of sexplorations with many different people, here are my personal "how to's" on reaching orgasm without being alone...
Pic: Whisky & Friend heading out for a sexploration night in Berlin...
It may sound obvious, but experiment. This doesn't mean you need to buy more toys, my friends. Of course sex toys, props and apparatus are fun, but you still need to work out how to cum without them. If you cannot reach it without a battery or a 12" prop, your potential partners are going to have no chance! Find your erogenous zones. Find out if you get more aroused when you have one hand on your genitalia while one hand caresses your ear. Or maybe its one hand on your nipple while the other is playing with your butt. These moments of self exploration are crucial! Even now in, in a 5 yr relationship where my partner knows me really well, we have moments where the go-to stuff isn't working. But I've played. I'm able to tell them what I need. So if my head gets in the way, it doesn't have to be game over.
Next...bring the toys back in. Find out what settings, states, themes you need for those moments when your newly discovered erogenous zones aren't doing it alone. Don't let your head get in the way. Drown out that noise. This allows toys, props, apparatus to be an elevator, not ground zero. Allow their presence to enhance the experience, not be the only way. That also means that if you do have times with partners/lovers that its just not clicking, you know your next step. Again, it doesn't have to be game over. And, most importantly, if you plan to be alone, you have various levels of play for yourself. Because this sexploration is all about you. Say it with me... It's all about ME!
Now, the hardest part... communication. For a lot of people, telling another what you want or what you need can be daunting, embarrassing or even anxiety inducing. So take baby steps. If, for example, you have discovered through your sexplorations, that you come better with some vigorous, friction based work, lead you partner/s into a position that means you can be in control of the speed, intensity and vigour. If, you discovered that you orgasm better when you lie on your back with your eyes closed, softly and slowly building the arousal in an almost meditative fashion, guide your partner/s into that sort of space. If communicating with words and sounds feels to exposing, guide them with your body. Because, let's face it, in the end of the day, it's a physical reaction anyway! Pretty soon, you'll move from guiding people into places and positions, to showing them how you like it, to telling them how you like it.
Pic: Performing at a private party with Jeanie.
But it can take time. Great communication is a learned and practised skill, and so give yourself that time. You may even find you feel more comfortable demonstrating your own masturbation techniques before you can even speak about them. And that's ok. Everyone's path to owning the orgasms is different. The sexploration can be fascinating in itself, even if you don't find the gold at the end of the rainbow. But like I always say, you won't find the gold if you don't even try, right?
DISCLAIMER: I am not a qualified therapist, agony aunt, psychologist or philosopher. This Agony Aunt inspired blog is purely for entertainment purposes. No advice received from Auntie Whisky is factual, lawful or intended to be followed through. Unless I dare ye! (Kidding, obviously!) (Or am I?) (No seriously, this is creatively licensed only)(Ok shut up now Whisky) (Mic drop)